


even the demons believe

by faenova



Series: whumptober2020 prompt fills [2]
Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Crisis of Faith, Existential Angst, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26810623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faenova/pseuds/faenova
Summary: Rin goes to church every Sunday morning.
Series: whumptober2020 prompt fills [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953013
Comments: 6
Kudos: 63





	even the demons believe

**Author's Note:**

> whumptober 2020 day 8, used the prompt "abandoned"
> 
> i think a lot about the fact that the boys grew up in a MONASTERY his dad was a PRIEST and like. the fact that he grew up in a christian environment, meaning *he grew up christian*, is never touched on. at all. not even referenced. like hewwo.

> _You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe-- and shudder!_
> 
> (English Standard Version, James 2:19)

Rin goes to church every Sunday morning.

Yukio doesn’t know, because Yukio hasn’t been to church in a long time. Around thirteen he stopped going as frequently, and now that their dad is dead he hasn’t attended a service even once. Rin kinda hopes he’ll at least show up for Christmas and Easter when they roll around, but he isn’t holding his breath. Yukio also wakes up before Rin does, even on weekends, so he’s gone before he sees where Rin is going on Sundays. He probably thinks Rin stopped going to church too, now that he’s discovered he’s the son of Satan. Rin isn’t exactly eager to tell Yukio otherwise.

He goes to the later service, but he sets an alarm for it anyway because it’s always hard for him to wake up before noon. He wraps his tail around his waist and wears at least three layers. He wears a lot of layers anyway, because it’s comfortable and he never really feels the heat, but now there’s the extra reason of not wanting anyone to see his tail twitch underneath his shirt. He’s extra paranoid about it on Sundays.

He grabs a backpack and stuffs it with a lunch he packed the night before and a water bottle. He also more gently puts a bible in there, but it’s pretty beaten up already. The leather cover is worn and the insides are littered with highlighter and both his and his dad’s handwriting. He finally puts a hand towel on top of everything and zips it most of the way up, leaving a space in the top that Kuro happily jumps into. He sits on top of the towel and peeks his head out of the bag as Rin slings it over his shoulder. When the sermon is over, he’ll leave with Kuro to find somewhere quiet to eat lunch, and they won’t go back to the dorm for some hours later.

He sits in the back row, which he’s always done. He’s fidgety and has a hard time looking directly at people when they talk, the priest included, so it looks like he’s bored or zoning out to a lot of people. This way, he doesn’t have anyone giving him dirty or exasperated looks for staring at the ceiling of the chapel or letting his eyes wander as they trace the imagery in the stained glass windows while he listens. When he's in the back he also doesn’t get dirty looks for bringing a cat to church, even though Kuro usually sleeps in the backpack through the whole thing because he doesn’t like being woken up early any more than Rin does.

He listens to the sermon this week: an in-depth study of Jesus and Legion, looking at the story from the three synoptic Gospels. A man possessed by a horde of demons, falling to their knees, begging to be spared and sent into a herd of pigs instead of facing divine punishment.

One of the lessons to learn from the encounter with Legion, the priest says, is that demons believe in God. They’re fallen angels, choosing to turn away from Him, but that doesn’t mean they deny His existence and power.

Rin isn’t a fallen angel, though. He never got a choice in the matter. Turning away from God isn’t his sin to confess, because he didn’t commit it. But humans also don’t get a choice in the matter, they carry the sins of Adam and Eve. So then, that’s the question: if humans can be forgiven for being born sinners, can a demon that was born a demon do the same? If a demon can’t, is Rin human enough to be forgiven of his demon half?

Does God even hear him when he prays for his existence to be forgiven? Do a demon’s prayers and confessions count for anything, do they even reach God in the first place?

Legion begged Jesus to be sent into the pigs and Jesus answered, fulfilling Legion’s request. Was Legion only heard because they were face to face with Jesus? Would they have gone unheard if Jesus weren’t right in front of them?

If Rin were face to face with God, would he beg to not be tortured the same way Legion begged? Would he be able to face his judgment?

And, if God answers his request and spares him from judgment, will he end up killing himself anyway? The same way Legion leapt into the sea and drowned the pigs they inhabited?

Rin wonders, like he’s wondered before, why God ever allowed him to be born.

Maybe Rin will be a lesson for people in the future, like Legion is a lesson for people now.

That seems like the best outcome, honestly.

In the meantime, it won’t make him stop coming to church. It won’t make him stop hoping that God hears him when he prays for his family, for his friends, for the people he tries so hard to be good for. Maybe God will listen if he isn’t selfishly praying for himself. But if he’s really thinking about it, then God either listens to him or he never did in the first place. Rin can’t imagine there would be an in-between.

It won’t make him stop trying his best to be a good person, to be a good Christian. To help people, to bring people to God, if a demon is even capable of doing that-- to be the person his dad worked so hard to raise him to be. He’ll keep on doing what he’s been doing all his life, because he doesn’t know what he would do if he stops. He doesn’t know if he could bring himself to do anything different even if he did find... something else. He doesn’t know what something else would be. Rin doesn’t want to turn away from God on purpose. He can’t.

Rin goes to church every Sunday morning.

Yukio doesn’t know.

He sits in the back, and listens to the sermon.

He doesn’t go to confession, because he can’t confess to being a demon.

He prays to God, who he knows is kind, who would never turn His back on anyone.

Rin prays to God, who has not abandoned him, because he knows he can’t be abandoned if God never looked his way in the first place.


End file.
